Saturday, November 27, 2010
MAILBAG: NOVEMBER 2010
Dear Death --
I'm very close with my daughter who lives here in Heaven. Just recently, she has gotten involved in a long distance relationship with a guy from Hell, and it's creating a lot of friction between the two of us. I don't know what the guy did on Earth, but there are rumors that, among other things, he may have tried to make a puppy smoke a cigarette. My daughter insists that he's changed and "paid his dues," but I am just not convinced.
Anyway, last week I went with her to visit him at his apartment in Hades, and lying next to his bed, I noticed a flesh eating demon's bra and panties. How do I begin to break this to my daughter? Please help, thanks.
"Own Private Hell"
Dear "Own Private Hell" --
This is a wonderful question to ask the wise angel Issaac Van Norton, who solves people's problems in his acclaimed weekly Afterlife Gazette advice column: "Dear Wise Angel Issaac Van Norton." I personally would be careful about telling her something she does not want to hear, as I have repeatedly seen a phenomenon called "killing the messenger." If your daughter is searching for true love, I know a lot of souls who had luck with "Cloud Nine Cyber Dating" -- though I've heard a few negative stories about people on the site lying about how many years they've been dead for, and also posting old pictures of themselves from previous incarnations.
My friend and her cousin were recently involved in a fatal car crash. When their reaper showed up to take them to the Afterlife, he broke out an electric keyboard, started playing, and insisted that they both do the "Chicken Dance" before he'd take them anywhere. Is it me, or do they have a legitimate lawsuit against the universe? Please advise.
Manhattan Beach, California
No, they do not. Your friend and his cousin were killed by Reaper Brendan Mcquade, who is a frustrated wedding and Bar Mitzvah singer. Among Brendan's more famous stunts, he once showed up at the site of a plane crash and forced dozens of traumatized dead passengers to play "Coke and Pepsi" for a controversially long amount of time. Despite what you might think, Brendan is actually somewhat popular, due to his endearing practice of insisting soon to be deceased fathers a last dance with their daughters while he croons "Wind Beneath My Wings." Brendan also makes himself available to kill at sweet sixteens, carries a "sign-in" board with him with the signatures of everyone he kills, and if you happen to pass away on a Saturday night, Brendan has actually been known to show up with a band in tow.
Dear Death --
Is there such thing as Thanksgiving in Heaven?
Marjorie Lynn Smith
Dear Marjorie --
Thanksgiving in Heaven is an exciting day consisting of feast and family, topped off every year by a wild rock concert courtesy of the "Grateful Dead." The day commemorates a bunch of dead pilgrims who forcibly drove Indian angels off of the trans-aerial Eastern cloud bank of Heaven, and souls now celebrate the violent event by feasting on delicious pumpkin pie. The Thanksgiving celebrated in America back on Earth is a huge work day for people in Heaven, as there is an insane amount of traffic arriving at Heaven's gates because of all of the disoriented dead turkeys.
Last April, my sister clinically died for several minutes on the operating table, passed through that tunnel you've mentioned in the past, and then she claims she spent a few moments in Heaven before returning to her body. When I ask her what Heaven was like, all she keeps saying is that she felt like she was in Hawaii. Can you shed any light on this?
Bronx, New York
Dear Gladys --
My strong hunch is that your sister's near-death experience occurred on April 8th, which happens to be "Hawaiin Shirt Day" in Heaven. Hawaiin shirt day is an exciting and innovative development in the Afterlife, as it consists of an entire day where souls can wear Hawaiin shirts of their very own choosing. The holiday is so popular, that reincarnations are known to spike the day after, presumably because no one wants to miss the festivities. Your sister's story reminds me of a similarly funny anecdote from a man named William Katz who had a near death experience several years ago on August 18th (pajama day), and when asked his impression of the dead he replied, "all of them seemed rather tired."
Posted by Death (a.k.a the "Grim Reaper") at 2:33 PM