Monday, October 5, 2009
MAILBAG: OCTOBER 26, 2009
Dear Death --
You came by the other day to escort my brother to the Afterlife. After you left, I noticed my Zune mp3 player was missing. What's up with that? I'm thinking now that I know why you wear that long robe....
-- Kevin Sherman
New York, New York
Dear Kevin --
I can assure you that I did not steal your "Zune mp3" player... for several reasons. First and foremost, what you're suggesting is simply not the "way that I roll." I have killed billions of people over the years, and virtually no one has ever reported anything missing upon my departure. I have not acquired my fine reputation by housing other people's stuff.
I also pride myself on having ethics, as well as a strong sense of morality. If I arrive at your home, you can rest easy knowing that I'm there to kill you and nothing else.... I am not a thief or some wandering "low life. "
To be perfectly honest, I cannot speak for every other Reaper in this regard. For example, Reaper Ishmael Lodwick was recently busted for selling somebody's vintage magazine collection on a street corner in Downtown Heaven. As you might guess, Ishmael is no longer permitted to kill people, and the magazines have since been returned to the victims.
If you have a friend who had a Reaper show up to kill someone in their home, and something is now missing, please encourage them to fill out a "UCF 340 Missing Item" form and submit it to the Universe. The form is usually most effective if you have the item's serial number and original receipt handy, so it's always good policy to keep that stuff around. There is also a "lost and found" cardboard box in Heaven, but unfortunately, it seems to consist mostly of wool ski hats and old umbrellas.
Dear Death --
Does God hold bad will towards "atheists?"
-Submitted via Twitter
Answer: No. God loves each and every one of his children, with the exception of Corbin Reinhardt from Mccook, South Dakota, who he still likes a whole lot.
God does not judge anyone for their religious beliefs or lack of them. If you meet God in Heaven and feel a slight sense of awkwardness stemming from the fact that you never believed in him, it is something that is coming solely from you and that you're projecting outward.
If you'd like a simple and surefire way of "breaking the ice" with the almighty, bring up the topic of "viruses" or "hail" and how much you appreciate them. God is a wee bit insecure about both of those things, and tends to light up when somebody throws out a compliment about either one.
Dear Death --
I am fairly certain that I'm going to Heaven, and pretty positive that my husband is going to Hell. Are people in Hell allowed conjugal visits?
Montauk, New York
Dear Renee --
The bad news is that there are no conjugal visits. The good news is that the Universe has gotten more liberal in recent years, and Hell has recently instituted a "Triple R" program, which stands for: "Repent, Rehabilitate, and Reincarnate." If your husband is an upstanding citizen of Hell, and guilty of only moderately evil crimes on Earth, he can earn the chance to sit before a parole board after a period of time. The new liberal policies have become a bit controversial, as many now scoff that the phrase "eternal damnation" has become misleading, and that "eternity" really translates to 8-10 years with "good behavior."
If you truly love your husband, you may want to consider waiting for him. Encourage your spouse to use his time in Hell to engage in bible study and better himself. Also, tell him to avoid the temptation of joining up with Demon gangs, as this is almost always a recipe for trouble.
Posted by Death (a.k.a the "Grim Reaper") at 6:34 PM